TW: Trigger Warning
This post contains talks of self harm, depression and sexual trauma as well as lessons for soul elevation. It will be triggering and it will require time to sit and think. Read this if and when you can.
Take a second
Deep breath in.
Slow breath out.
Allow your breathing to return to normal.
As a child, I knew that I had been here, as in on Earth before and when I looked in the mirror, the face I saw, wasn't the face I remembered. My ancestors were my imaginary friends. I realize now through much reading that I am an "Old Soul". My whole life, people have come to me with their challenges, and my response would come from somewhere deep inside that all of this was just a lesson. In order to find the answer, it, meaning life, required looking deeper into oneself. While I have an old soul, I am still very young in this current time and still learning life's lessons as we all are. In this journey of discovering that I am in fact an old soul who is here to strike the waters with my staff and birth daughters, I have been constantly on a search for more meaning in life.
In this search, it seemed as though being depressed in some form was almost a requirement of living this life. I saw myself almost as a victim of circumstance. I have attempted suicide twice and lived thrice. I know, you're thinking that math doesn't add up. Let me explain. A Dark Night of the Soul is a profound dark time spiritually, emotionally and physically and can be perceived as a death of who you once were to birth who you are to become. In this time, it's like depression 2.0 for the body and for the soul as well. For me, there was much questioning of my purpose here. Yes, I have survived and attempted to thrive in being molested and sexually assaulted multiple times & carry the ancestral trauma of assault, abusive relationships, living in my car and graduating from highly respected University & internship programs. I seemed to have done "everything right" and yet finding an empowered outlook and life path seemed an impossible thing. I dove deeper down into myself and refused to rise. Depression looks different on black and brown female bodied people from the mainstream and so even though I felt that I was crying out for help, no one really noticed. This is rock bottom, or a dark night of the soul. It seems to last forever, but in fact...it is only temporary. Mine lasted for 5 years.
I am only beginning to rise out of this time and see the choices that I made while moving through the Dark Night and now must continue to explore the setting of boundaries, breath, and self & community care, all the while remembering that life is just a journey. In this journey, I've found healing elements in movement, writing & birth work. I am profoundly blessed. I am ready to build a new and birth my truth. I am ready to continue to rise, to allow the wind of Oya at my back to lift and bring me over the cliff to fertile and verdant lands beneath.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. While here our only task is to learn. Our task is not to be famous, to be rich, to get married or have children, to work a 9-5 and die unfulfilled. It definitely isn't "to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps". With the conditioning of society, we all fall into various patterns. Those patterns may cause us to participate in the search of fame, riches, have children, get married, seek stability in the form of what kills us, etc, but those were never "tasks" to complete, simply journeys that we decided or didn't decide to take.
This may seem harsh to some and I do not mean it to be. We curate our lives to the best of our abilities and society is not kind to those who choose the road less traveled...but there is hope. As we help each other, as we build, as we learn and grow, we elevate. We lift our souls back to wherever it is that they come from and everyone believes or doesn't believe in something different. Be kind today to both yourself and others. This plane isn't an easy one, but what it will be is worth it.
Until next time Xx